Monday, 14 January 2008


While researching an article on the internet the other day, I came across The Encyclopedia Of Sexual Practices. Once I’d finished researching and cleared up the mess, I decided to have a browse.

Now, as my lawyers will tell you I’m a pretty open minded guy, (which as we all know is code for ‘not fussy’) and what adults do in the privacy of their own home is entirely their own business (as long as they aren’t being gay). However, that doesn’t mean I don't find more than half of what is described in this frankly flabbergasting list of sexual deviance absolutely fascinating, if sometimes more than a little weird. This is because I have the mind of a five year old

Those of you born before 1970, along with the closed minded, bigots, the severely sexually repressed and people with better things to do, will probably not want to read the rest of this, as it contains bad, rude, dirty words and graphic descriptions of willies.

The rest of you: I had to say that to avoid upsetting a load of people who are, frankly, just cunts.

Ready? Setgo.

I’ll start with the poor sods who must just live their lives in a blinding haze of sexual excitement:

Xenophilia: arousal from strangers

Albutophilia: arousal from water

Actirasty: arousal from exposure to sun's rays

Hyphephilia: arousal from touching skin, hair, leather, fur or fabric

Ecdemolagnia: arousal from traveling or being away from home

Normophilia: those aroused by acts considered normal by their group or society

Gomphipothic: arousal by the sight of teeth

Dendrophilia: arousal from trees

Perhaps these people have just played the game very well and chosen something outlandishly common to find exciting. Unlike this lot, for whom making life difficult seems to be an art form:

Autassassinophilia: arousal from orchestrating one's own death by the hands of another

Entomocism: the use of insects

Taphephilia: arousal from being buried alive

Phygephilia: sexual arousal from being a fugitive

Robotism: attraction to or the use of robots in sex play

Symphorophilia: arousal from arranging a disaster, crash, or explosion

I suppose the people I am most envious of are the hedonophiles, who are sexually aroused by pleasure, creating what I imagine must be an infinite loop of joy. Less happy are the dacryphiles, who are sexually excited by seeing their partners cry. Whether or not they go about making their significant others cry on purpose, it must be bloody inconvenient to have the raging horn while the object of your affections is bawling their eyes out.

Then we have erotophobia and gamophobia, fear of sex and marriage respectively, conditions which are highly gender specific, at least according to badly written nineteen seventies sitcoms.

Then we have the creative:

Botulinonia: using a sausage as a dildo

Docking: slipping one partner's foreskin over the glans penis of another

Ophidicism: use of snakes for sexual purposes

The odd:

Homilophilia: sexual arousal from hearing or giving sermons

Brachioprotic eroticism: a deep form of fisting where the arm enters the anus

Nosophilia: arousal from knowing partner has terminal illness

The obvious:

Gymnophilia: arousal from nudity

And Those simply filed under "You're doing it wrong.":

Nasolingus: arousal from sucking nose of partner

Oculolinctus: licking partner's eyeball

Axillism: penis penetrating an arm pit

We also have the ingenious idea of:

Handkerchief Codes: color codes to identify sexual preferences

A practice I think should be more widely employed. Can I suggest we use 'No Handkerchief' to denoted 'Extreme Scat'?

There is also a wonderful lesson on the abecedarian nature of irony:

Harem: area where Arabs kept wives at home and separated from others

Harem effect: lesbianism

But I'd like to finish with a definition I think gives hope to us all:

Harmatophilia: arousal from sexual incompetence


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