Saturday, 14 June 2008

Happy Fucking Birthday!

Forgot to publish this. Sorry Ma'am.:

Today was the Birthday of Her Majesty Elizabeth the Second, By The Grace Of God Queen of The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of her other realms and territories Queen, Head Of The Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith. As you might expect of someone whose job title takes up an entire paragraph, it was an occasion marked with some ceremony, which I'll get to in a bit. It was also the second one she's had this year.

Now, I'm not a a Republican, primarily because removing the bunch of inbred aristocratic throwbacks who loiter towards the top of British society smacks of treating the symptom rather than the cause of societal injustice, but two birthdays? As the Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces, Head of the Church of England and Paramount Chief of Fiji herself aptly put it in boring Helen Mirren vehicle and Diana hatchet job The Queen "Isn't that precisely the kind of decadence they criticise us for?"
It's not as though there are enough birthdays to go round as it is. Most people get one a year, and are happy to have it. They are the lucky ones. About 2.73% of people tragically have their birthdays within the ten days around Christmas time. Lack of funding, and a hectic yuletide schedule means that many people's generosity and love for the little baby jesus is expressed through the genius strategem of buying 'one big present' - which, I am reliably informed, is usually between 1.0 and 1.25 times the size of a 'normal' present.

Then we have the poor unfortunates, admittedly comprising only 0.06% of the population, whose birthdays fall on the 29th of Febuary. These cursed souls receive just one birthday every four years.

Assuming for the moment that those people whose birthdays fall near christmas only get half a birthday, and those who are born on leap days get a quarter of one, there are a meagre 0.98601 birthdays per head of population. - meaning close to a million people get no birthday at all.

Yet the Queen sees fit to strut around literally on her high horse, trooping the colour, changing the guard (probably) and 'honoring' an increasingly anemic parade of C list celebrities. Who the fuck does she think she is?