Tuesday, 18 March 2008


When Shakespeare was writing Romeo and Juliet, he was not writing a tragic love story that he intended to forevermore be the benchmark for all romance. No, no, in fact he was writing about a pair of whiney emo cunts with so little perspective about life that they end up topping themselves.


1.) Romeo and Juliet are teenagers. Juliet had not seen 'The Change of Fourteen Summers'. If they were alive today, she would have an Emily Strange backpack and he would have one long black flop of hair that covered half his face (how's my zeitgeist?)

2.) Romeo is 'in love' with a totally different woman, Rosaline, at the start of the play. He basically admits that he loves her because, well, she is "well fit" (in Shakespeare's words):

"the all-seeing sun Ne'er saw her match since first the world begun."

Many experts say Shakespeare uses Rosaline as a device to create a contrast between Romeo's 'infatuation' with Ros and his 'true love' for Juliet.

Oh fucking really? Then why does it take Romeo all of six seconds to fall head-over-heels in love with Juliet? He is practically fwapping himself off within moments of seeing her, knowing sweet fuck all about her personality.

Romeo: O, she teaches the torches to burn brightly!
She hangs upon the face of night
like a rich jewel in an Ethiopian's ear--
her beauty is too rich to be touched, too heavenly for this earth!

Okay, we get it - she's "a right hottie" (again in thew words of William Shakespeare). But it's quite a leap to go from getting a semi to saying:

Did I ever love anyone before now? My eyes will swear
that I never saw real beauty until tonight.

So you've forgotten about what you were saying less than five minutes ago then? You flippant, whimsical, fly-by-night, indecisive cunt! What about Rosaline, who you've just spent the last month pining over? As soon as you see another girl you fancy a bit it's like she never bloody existed! Lets face it - if you'd not had the good sense to top yourself you'd have been onto some other bird within a few weeks, leaving poor Juliet completely heartbroken! This isn't love, it's love of drama, the principle curse of the emo. Which leads me onto:

3.) Romeo knows it's going to go badly. He deliberately goes to a party that not only has he not been invited to but is being hosted by his sworn, mortal enemies. And why does he take this fucking stupid risk? Because the girl he fancies might be there. Don't get me wrong, I've gone to the Union on nights I'm going to hate so i can chat up someone I'm into, but as far as I know the bar staff don't have a sworn blood oath to kill me on sight.

So, on his way in, he remarks:

Romeo: I am afraid we're too early, for I am afraid
that some unpleasant events, still only destined to happen
will bitterly begin to unfold
with this party tonight and bring to an end
this hateful life of mine

So, he knew it was going tits up form the outset. But, having a fetish for drama, Romeo blithely waltzes into catastrophe, no doubt thinking about how he can post all about it on his myspace later.

Of course, some experts would argue that this was Shakespeare implying that the very hand of fate was present in the, er, fates of Romeo and Juliet; an inevitability surrounded both their lives and deaths which was both larger than and beyond their control, and Romeo could sense this. Really? If I'm going to make a character fucking psychic, I want that to be an important, consistent element of the plot, not just a random thing I drop in.... so either Romeo is a drama queen or Shakespeare was a bad writer. Which is it, hypothetical literary experts?

4.) Having fallen in love, Romeo and Juliet realise how fabulously lucky they are and pursue their shared desire for each calmly and carefully, safe in the knowledge that, if they get things right, they will have the rest of their lives to enjoy each other. Just kidding. Instead, they immediately and secretly run off and bribe a corrupt priest to marry them(mainly so they can slip it to each other without pissing God off) all the while keeping it from their respective parents but continuing to live in their houses and eat their food. While this wins them clear, and genuine, kudos amongst the 11-18 demographic, it's also an obvious recipe for disaster.

5.) Romeo and Juliet don't actually enjoy each other's company. They aren't in love with each other, they are in love with the idea of being in love. The only thing they talk about is how much they love each other. Seriously, the only topics they discuss are:
A.) How, like, totally in love with each other they are
B.) How their parents just don't understand them
C.) How they should just, like, rebel and run away from those fascist adults.

At least modern Emos can discuss the latest fallout boy album.

It is obvious, at several points, that as much as Juliet loves being constantly flattered by Romeo, she does occasionally get a bit bored of talking about love with him. See how she hints for him to fuck off at the end of the balcony scene:

Juliet: It's almost morning. I wish you would go now--

Translation: I want you to fuck off now. However, I realise that's not really in the spirit of things so I'll add:

but no farther than a spoiled girl's pet bird

which is allowed to hop away from her hand just a little

like a poor prisoner in his twisted chains.

Then with a silk thread, the girl pulls the bird back again,

she is so loving, and yet so jealous of his freedom.
Translation: I've got you wrapped around my little finger. This is ace.
ROMEO I would I were thy bird.
Translation: Let me be your fuckpuppet

You can almost hear the glee in her voice that she has this besotten, if occasionally tiresome, admirer puttified in her hands. Right now I don't know which of them I hate more, 'Woe is me' Romeo or 'cult of my own personality' Juliet.

6.) On the same day as the two of them get secretly married, Romeo happens to bump into Mercutio and Tybalt, who are itching to stab each other up. To be fair to the lad, he does try and stop them, but fails miserably, and Tybalt kills Mercutio. Now, the main reason for this is that instead of simply saying 'I married your sister earlier, so lets, like, be mates' Romeo only subtly hints at what's gone on, infuriating both Mercutio and Tybalt. Nothing worse than an emo with a secret.... 'Oooh, you wouldn't believe what happened the other night... oh, no, i can't possibly tell.... it's just soooo secret'.

Having failed totally to stop the fight, Romeo suddenly forgets that Tybalt is basically his brother now and stabs him to bits. Getting married not enough drama for one day, eh, Romeo?

7.) If one takes a synoptic of the play, Romeo and Juliet spend much, much, much more time whinging, gossiping, plotting, sneaking and generally over dramatising their romance than, you know, actually being together. Indeed, They don't even spend any time with each other ON THEIR FUCKING WEDDING DAY, as undoubtedly they both wanted to go and write it up on postsecrets and craigslist (how's my zeitgeist? Phone 1-800-fuckoff).

8.) They kill themselves, pointlessly. The End.

QED: Romeo and Juliet were a pair of whiney emo cunts. Touch my fact.

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